We are all allowed to do what serves us! We must!

My birthday is a few days away and this followed by the new year has me thinking more and more about what I want and how I want to do it.  Having my birthday 40 days after the start of the new year tends to give more time to really think about how I want my year to go.

Instead of rushing to throw out goals for 2017 after the holiday rush, I spent the last month considering, weighing things out, asking myself is that really what I want, and thinking about the hows.  Things are different now that I am a mom and have so far chosen to be Zia’s full time care and I don’t have all the time to create and work.  And now that I am expecting baby girl number two it really has me thinking about the how! (and also gave me the time to ponder more as I was too sick to get to work!)

I have always been easily distracted by what is possible.  I see what someone else is doing and think, “I could do that!”  Maybe I will do that this year.   Oh that’s a good idea, I could try that!  And on and on.  I mean, yay me that I have always thought I could do anything….but that can have downfalls!

It’s not that I am trying to copy someone else, I am not.  I genuinely get excited and inspired by what I see is possible and what works, but I know I would make everything my own way.  So my mind and journals can get filled up with loads of ideas that initially excite me, but thankfully do to the sickness of my first trimester, I wasn’t acting on anything.  So I was given the space and time to then weed through different ideas and spend time with them all. Or rather give these ideas some time to see if the excitement sustains me or if I end up thinking  and feeling meh, while also thinking about the how’s.

I know when I truly want to do something when I can’t stop thinking about it, want to do it at any cost (meaning I think more about how much I want to do it, then how much it will cost me or how much money I could make from it), and that everytime I revisit it I get a big jolt of YES!  Also, the how shows up easily for me and in a way that I am excited about, even if it won’t be “easy”.

You know that saying only do it if it is a Fuck Yeah.  It’s like that.  I don’t want to put my energy towards something that doesn’t give me that jolt.  Sure…there are often steps along the journey to making that Fuck Yeah come to fruition that do not feel like Fuck Yeah in my bones…but I let the end picture motivate me through those steps.  Because let’s be real there is no fucking way that every step along the way to your Fuck Yeah is going to be exciting and make you want to jump out of bed to get to work.

That’s where using your powerful brain muscles to remind you of the goal and motivate you to get out of bed and be excited about the work you are doing to make that Fuck Yeah happen!  Our mind’s are tricky!  They try their best to stop us, talk us out of what we want and make us feel like shit!  But….did you know they are reprogrammable? They are!  (Check out my Be Your Own Joyologist Program, it is all about reprogramming your mind and more!)  So, don’t let your mind bully you into telling you that you can’t or won’t or shouldn’t….reprogram it to support you, motivate you and inspire you.  It’s totally doable, I just had to do it myself.   While I was writing this a mean mind monster popped up to tell me that writing was not valuable enough to be doing while paying someone to watch Zia.

So, I immediately stopped typing picked up my pen and wrote this in front of me.

I am allowed!

 

The funny thing is that writing and blogging is actually a huge part of my vision for 2017.  It was one of the main things I wanted to have the time to do again while having Zia in someone else’s care.  It is nourishing to me and makes me feel more connected to myself and to all of you….but yet my mean mind tried to jump in and tell me it wasn’t enough.  So I am using this affirmation to keep me going and bring me back to my vision.

My day of rebirth (birthday)  is at the end of the week and although it is not a deadline, it is motivating me to get my shit more together as far as what my future will hold as a business owner and a mother.  I know that the things that I want to create and change will not happen overnight and that can be discouraging.  I honestly was feeling discouraged today because after making two steps last week toward my new vision I didn’t see any big change.   Um….give it some time, girl.  Keep doing the work!  I have to remind myself of the vision I am creating and how it makes me feel.  That all of these steps are part of the vision that feels right to me, that inspires me and even if I don’t see direct or immediate results how does it feel to be working on the vision, to be making these steps!

The how has also become just as important as the what, now.  I have to ask myself, sure that may be a good path for me to look into but what does the how look like?  Is it sustainable for me as the mother of kids that are not yet in school and the business owner?  What kind of help would I need?

Choices like this are always made easier when money isn’t an issue.  If I had constant, supportive, abundant cash flow this change likely would have happened sooner.  But, in running my own business I don’t have clear, consistent income from month to month and the choice of having a product line means having lots of expenses…like having to buy large amounts of product to get good pricing to be able to have products to sell!  Crazy, I know!

So this choice, this change is fucking scary.  Like, sitting in a coffee shop writing this, and crying while a babysitter that I am paying is watching Zia, scary.  I am not afraid of Zia getting good care.  I think it is great for her to be experiencing different people.  It’s all about that damn cash flow!  But this fear of not being able to afford help is not inviting the cash to flow.  I am currently on the path to reprogramming my own mind to support me in this.

If everytime I hand over money, or think about handing over money to someone I feel fear, worry and doubt I am only breathing more and more life into the fears, worries and doubts, which will not motivate me to work harder.  They will shut me down and tell me I can’t.  I am not enough.  It isn’t going to work.

If everytime I hand over money or think about handing over money, I tell myself I am abundant, I am valuable, I am supported then I will be breathing life into that mentality which will then motivate me to keep working on the vision!

I do believe in myself.  I do believe in my dreams, in my vision.   I do believe that I am valuable, that I am abundant, that I am necessary.  I can support my vision and have childcare.

What is one major thought that you want to overcome?  One that keeps popping up for you and talks you out of what you want or from actually enjoying your life or loving yourself?

Mine has been: I can’t afford help.    So of course, I couldn’t afford help….because that is what I had been brainwashing myself to believe for the past year +.  That thought is no longer allowed in my mind.  It has been officially kicked out and exchanged with thoughts that support me and my vision for 2017!

Take some time to think about it. Journal on it (I love the morning pages method) Spend a day with it.  See what shitty thought keeps coming up for you.  Take note and then take action!!!!  Create a new thought that supports you!  I of course love to make it an affirmation, starting with I am, so that I am called into it!

We are all allowed to do what serves us!  We must!  And that means kicking the shitty, mean, disempowering thoughts out!

I am excited for the changes I am committing to this year and I am excited to be back here, sharing more with you.  That is something that feels good to me that I plan to continue more in 2017!  WooHoo!

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You are allowed to dream beyond your budget! In fact you must.

Do you ever find yourself putting limits or even kaboshing a dream because “that costs money and I don’t have it”.

Yeah, it’s easy to do.

Just now as I was cooking lunch, I thought to myself I want a new pot with steamer attachment.  And immediatly said, NOPE.  Can’t afford that right now.  Not spending money and that is not a necessity.

This is obviously a teeny tiny dream, but it is just one of the many things that I have been putting the immediate kabosh on lately.  Everything from a new steamer pot to a new product I want to create, to being able to have a booth for my products at a major gift show, to attending a yoga class while paying a sitter to watch Zia.

I have been squashing my dreams and not giving them any hope this past month that I have put myself on a strict no spending budget.

But the thing is…they are dreams.  I need them, we need them, to inspire us to keep going, keep working, keep progressing.

We need to take away the boundaries of our dreams to allow ourselves to fully see what we want.

If you only allow yourself to dream with barriers, you really aren’t allowing yourself to dream at all. (Tweet it!)

 

Your dreams are meant to inspire you!  And while sometimes they can seem so out of touch with the life you are currently living, they ARE possible.  By shooting yourself down immediately you, and only you, make them impossible.

Dream past your budget. - yourjoyologist.com

 

To help myself get around this constant kaboshing, I thought, what if I created a list of things I will buy when I do have the money.  And not a list of things I would buy if I had money.  But a list I WILL BUY, WHEN I HAVE THE MONEY.  Because saying and writing it that way creates it as possible.

Our words our powerful and small changes from using words like would, should, could to will are HUGE!

So right now while Zia is napping I am starting my abundant lists of dreams.  One for those everyday home and personal items (new yoga pants, steamer basket, yoga class) and one for my dreams for growing my business.

I already feel inspired, excited, and lighter by allowing myself to be a yes to these dreams big and small again.  These lists will motivate me to create more ways to bring money in and I will be thrilled when I get to mark off even the smallest of items.

Your dreams are possible.  Stop shooting yourself down.  Allow yourself to think bigger than your current situation.  Allow yourself to dream beyond your budget!

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Want more tools on how to get out of your own way and one on one guidance from me? My Be Your Own Joyologist Program is enrolling now!  We start February 13th!

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One Thing You Want to do Before the End of the Year.

There are only a few more days left in 2016!  And they will be gone in a flash!

So, right now do yourself a favor and pencil in some you time before the end of the year!

Open your calendar and find a day that you can sharpie (make it permanent, not erasable!) in even just one hour of time for you and only you.  This doesn’t mean schedule a massage or fitness class or time to run errands.  Although of course all self care practices are recommended as well!

But for this hour, allow yourself to block EVERYTHING out, go to a quiet, cozy room or an outdoor space, or even a favorite cafe, with pen and paper and a cozy cup of tea (or coffee, or wine).  Allow yourself to process your 2016 onto the page.  Write what comes. No pressure.  No order.  Write memories.  Feelings.  People.  Frustrations.  Wins.  Hardships.  Just allow everything and anything you want onto the page.

When you feel complete in your processing of 2016, start a new page and allow yourself to dream up your 2017.  It does’t need to be a list of goals or resolutions.  Imagine how you want to feel.  How you don’t want to feel.  The people or kinds of people you want to surround yourself with.  Any personal or professional dreams you have.  What you want to say no to.  Your words for the year.  Your intentions.   Again just let it out.  ALLOW YOURSELF TO DREAM.  Allow yourself to see it all as possible!

The Best Way to Welcome in the new year!

I promise you this journaling exercise will leave feeling content, satisfied and inspired!  You never even have to look at the pages again.  In fact you could rip them up and burn them.  The processing you did in them will be within you.

Have you done it yet?  Have you found your day, your hour?  DO it!  I promise it will be the most amazing way to welcome in your new year and get back in touch with YOU!

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Want more tools to keep you inspired and motivated in 2017? Here are my top picks from the shop!

The I am Affirmation Mug

The I am Affirmation Mug

The I Will Notepad

The I Will Notepad

 

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How I learned To Admire My Strong Willed Child

A special guest post from a huge inspiration of mine,  Juli Novotny Goddard of BasilHealth – a brand new health platform, designed to help you manage everything about your health, all in one safe place. You can easily organize, track and manage everything from health & medical data to lab results, fitness goals, daily nutrition, lifestyle information and more. Sign up for free!

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I have a secret that’s extremely close to my heart, and I’m going to share it with you today.

I have a really stubborn and challenging eight year old son. In addition, he has extreme independence, persistence, and determination. He exerts more mental and physical energy than other kids his age.

As a toddler, he wouldn’t listen to me (or anybody); he didn’t follow rules and thought they were all pointless; it was his way or the highway; he constantly wanted a new toy or some kind of candy when we were out running errands; he would battle me over what he wore and what/when he ate; he was extremely opinionated; he would throw random very extreme tantrums saying he hated his life and his family; and he argued with me about pretty much everything. He was even the most difficult to birth (being breech). Honestly, he simply wasn’t all that fun to be around most of the time.

I was always at my wits end with him; always frustrated; always embarrassed; and always left feeling defeated.

Sadly, it took me almost six years to learn that my son wasn’t the only child with extreme levels of will. In fact, his behavior wasn’t as much bad as it was simply misunderstood. I had tortured myself–and probably my son–for years trying to get him to be a good, “normal” toddler. I blamed myself and my parenting – even though my other son was perfectly easy and kind.

But, the idea that I didn’t know who my son was all those years is what I regret most as a mom.

It wasn’t until he was about six that I read about the strong-willed child. To my surprise, my son fit the description to a T.

After I researched the topic for a few days, I realized that I wasn’t parenting him in ways that supported his personality and might actually have been hurting his creativity and self esteem. Part of our struggle was me. I might not be to blame for his strong will and spunky personality but I wasn’t handling it the right way.

I now feel so much pain for misunderstood kids, and I also feel the parents frustration as well. Knowing what I know now means I would have disciplined a lot differently–I would have been less stubborn myself and instead allowed him much more freedom to explore, “disobey” and learn through experience.

The good news is that, after reading about and studying the ways of a strong-willed child, I took on a whole new perspective. It has taken a few years, but we finally have gained a mutual respect, and I’m now better able to help him grow.

Trouble or Misunderstood?

About the strong-willed child

All children have different strengths of will. Whether you’re a teacher, an aunt, a parent or a friend, it’s important to know that there are certain children that come off rude or demanding or just plain difficult. But before you judge, know that these kids are quite often just misunderstood.

Parenting a strong-willed child is a very exhausting and difficult task at times. It requires patience and energy you didn’t even know you had buried within you. Apparently they are born this way. And they are a blessing, not a curse.

Instead of looking at my son’s personality characteristics as flawed or bad, I decided to learn more about the brain of a strong willed-child. In fact, research shows that disobedient children earn more as adults and are also more likely to be entrepreneurs. Some intelligent children who defy authority or challenge the status quo tend to think more outside the box, lending them a certain creative advantage when it comes to new ideas and starting businesses. Entrepreneurs tend not to play by the rules. And they don’t wake up one day with the desire to change the world; this starts when they are born.

Recognizing I had a strong-willed child was the first step to having a wonderful relationship with him and learning to parent him in a positive way that now helps him flourish into a responsible adolescence.

I don’t just tolerate my son; I admire him and all he stands for and his strength and determination. It’s my job to guide him and stand by him, not shush him or ever suggest he’s “abnormal”.

My Strong Willed Child

What I’ve learned from my strong-willed child

Without my son, I probably wouldn’t appreciate my other children as much as I do.–I now see how easy they are to raise. He’s also taught me so much about myself as a parent. So many times I’ve felt like the student and not the teacher. I’m much more patient with my other kids because of him. And I’m forced to have to “talk through things” instead of a quick and effortless time-outs. His need for explanations for everything has caused me to think twice about how I behave as a person and a mom. He forces me to look at myself in the mirror and be the best I can be. Because he’s always paying attention, and now I know that’s not a bad thing.

10 Qualities of a Strong-Willed Child (+ How to Better Handle Them)

1. They exhibit intense angry outbursts

While all kids throw temper-tantrums, strong-willed kids exhibit intense anger that doesn’t subside for a long time. They have low frustration tolerance and they struggle to express their anger in a socially appropriate manner. Since understanding more about my son, I’ve learned that he needs time frames, choices, explanations, fairness and love. I now talk through things with my son and negotiate. My dictator style parenting caused even more angry outbursts because he’s emotional, extremely passionate and–as with most leaders–he likes to be in charge.

2. They demand to know why

“Because I said so” is one of the worst things a strong-willed child can hear. They want to know why they can’t do something or why you’ve set certain limits. I didn’t like that saying as a kid either, but I usually would just suck it up and listen because I respected adults, rules, leaders, teachers and elders. Not my strong-willed child. He needs to know that whatever it is we’re asking of him or telling him to do is fair, and that he’s not being taken advantage of. Fair enough. So now, we discuss things and treat each other with respect. And after years of working on this struggle, he is often able to comply without asking “why” now that he trusts me and knows that I have his best interest in mind.

3. They can argue forever

Strong-willed kids are masters at talking back. They don’t give up when they disagree and will let you know. They love to engage in power struggles, and their stubborn persistence often works for them as they tire other people out. Discussions can get really entertaining. Add this personality trait to being extremely smart and you will have a great discussion on your hands. I lose the debate fair and square most of the time I talk with my son about math, sports, history or politics. My son isn’t just giving me attitude, as it might seem from the outside; he’s giving me the facts–or at least what he believes them to be. I try to meet his determination with admiration and watch how much he blossoms. I smile and laugh when he argues with me, and try and ask him why back. You’d be surprised how much kids realize just by sharing their opinion outwardly.

4. They’re bossy and have a firm sense of right and wrong

Strong-willed kids have a vision in their mind about the way things should be, and they’ll often orchestrate ways to turn that idea into reality. This is why they don’t like rules. If it wasn’t their idea or their way of doing it, they most likely will let you know this and explain why the idea was bad or not fair. They have no problem telling their peers where to stand or how to behave, and they’re not shy about telling adults what to do either. I will never forget when my son and I were on vacation, and he called me out in front of hotel staff. I admit, I told a white lie (about my son’s age), and my son quickly corrected me and said “what? I’m not five mom. I’m seven!” He couldn’t believe I would say such a thing. In the end, he was right. And I learned a very valuable lesson.

5. They refuse to do things they don’t want to do

It’s not about other people, and rules don’t go over well. No need to spend countless hours trying to convince a strong-willed child to do something he doesn’t want to do. Strong-willed kids will dig in their heels and refuse to budge. Arms crossed–that’s their favorite stance. But offer them the ability to choose to do what you’re asking and you’ll have a compliant child. Strong-willed kids want to do the right thing, but the trick is, they want it to be their idea.

6. They’re impatient.

They don’t like to wait in lines. They’re bored after a few minutes on a long car ride. They most definitely don’t like to take turns playing videos games, and they always have to be first. They don’t want to waste a second waiting for someone else. It’s the self-centered part of their leader-style personality. The only thing I can do in this situation is point out all the times in which we waited for him, or all the time he has gotten to go first. If you do this enough, they will get it. Afterall, they know right from wrong, and they understand fairness. But we have to help them see those things and how it also applies to them.

7. They make their own rules and go against the grain

Strong-willed children are very opinionated. My son is always going to do it his way (no matter what my opinion is), and I let him. Going against the grain can be an awesome trait: Strong willed kids are very goal-oriented, and they’re less likely to be swayed by peer pressure. My son thrives when he sets his own goals and comes up with his own ideas on how to improve his behavior. No use in trying to make a strong-willed child fit into any box or color in any lines. That will only suffocate their creative nature and their self esteem.

8. They insist on getting what they think they deserve

My son constantly wants things when we are shopping. In fact, it had gotten so bad that I couldn’t even take him shopping or I would for sure encounter a melt down or would waste money on things I didn’t want to buy. Strong-willed kids struggle to understand the difference between a need and a want. Whether they want mustard on their pancakes or to play soccer in the house, they’ll insist they should be able to do it. Even when they’re getting the most of something, they’ll insist they’re not getting their fair share. Everyday he says “it’s not fair!” at least 10 times, and much of the time, he’s right. I now carefully watch my words and my actions; I have to really walk the talk and be true to my word. Kids see everything. And I want to be the person I’m raising him to be.

9. They make decisions and learn things for themselves.

When it comes to decision making, my son is often independent. My son will give and give and give–when he’s in the mood. If you allow your child to choose (instead of choosing for them), they are much better at cooperating which makes things go much smoother. Try saying “would you like to share your toys with your friend? You don’t have to. But it would make them very happy. It’s up to you. Why don’t you think about it and let me know in a few minutes!” At heart, he wants to make his friend happy and will make the decision to do so.

Strong-willed children also have to make mistakes before they learn anything. Although I now understand this, I still feel the need to say: ‘be careful,’ or ‘don’t run around a pool,’ or ‘the stove is hot.’ But what’s different is my reaction when he doesn’t listen. I’m much more compassionate now that I know he’s never going to listen to my words of advice. Instead, I just wait until he needs me; my hugs and kisses are always here for him when he falls or gets hurts. And of course, I ask him what he learned.

10. They move at their own pace

Strong-willed children have a hard time switching gears. While it might come across as they just don’t like doing what they’re told, that’s not entirely the case. When strong-willed kids are doing something, they’re giving it their all. When I ask my son to get ready to go to the grocery store with me, he may whine, or maybe ignore me, and he will definitely take his sweet time. But ask him to go to the park and his socks are on and shoes are tied by the time I’ve even gotten down the stairs. They aren’t slow kids though, that’s for sure. My son talks quickly, eats quickly and his brain thinks at rapid speed.

Do you have a strong-willed child? If so, I hope you found some inspiration from my story and a desire to learn more. For references read below:

References:

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The struggle is real. — But it doesn’t have to be.

I have been silent over here since Zia was born almost a year ago!  I can’t believe she is already so grown up!

One reason is because she consumes most of my mind and life these days and didn’t want to turn this into a mom blog…but you know what.  I am now a mom and that is my experience of life and I have always simply shared my honest experience of life and thoughts about it.

So, I am telling myself, I am allowed to write about being a mom! And even people who aren’t mom’s will still likely get something from it.  And if they don’t, they don’t  And that is okay too.

I absolutely love being a mom.
Am I tired?  Yes.
Do I see an instagram post of someone reading alone on a beach and wonder if I will ever get to do that again? Yes.
Do I struggle daily with balancing running my own business and being my daughter’s primary caretaker? Fuck Yes.

I am so freaking happy that I created my dream of having my own product line and being a work at home mom.  It is such a blessing to get to be with Zia all day long and to have control of my schedule, well I mean Zia technically has control of my schedule, but meaning I don’t answer to anyone but myself and I don’t have many meetings or appointments.  The ones I do have are set up by me at times that work for Zia’s naps.

It’s awesome in so many ways.

But that doesn’t mean it is easy!  The struggle is so real and I have to remember that there were always ebs and flows and there always will be.

This week, when Zia goes down for her first (usually longer) nap instead of busting out my computer and lists to tackle business stuff I have found myself in the kitchen wanting to cook.  It is overcast here which is super rare.  And who knows what the moon and stars are up to.  But when I think about getting to work I feel like I am being crushed by pressure from all sides.  I really just don’t want to.

I am feeling called to cook and clean and be homey.  I want to soak up my sweet girl when she is awake instead of trying to get business things done while she wrecks my office.  I am just not feeling it this week.

But, last week and the week before I was!   I got many new projects and products in motion.  I felt like a semi-legit business lady.  I was getting shit done!

So, right now, I am trying to remind myself that I get to decide how it all feels.  I can create that balancing being a full time mom and business owner is fun, is easy, is manageable.  It is whatever I create it to be.

I am reminding myself to take my own advice and:

Fuck the Shoulds!Meaning on days like today when I just want to cook and clean…which are technically things I do want and need to do today.  Let myself do that instead of feeling the pressure that I “should” get to work.  After all, I have answered important emails.  My orders that are going out today, are already packed.  The rest of the work needs to get done, but will likely get done more successfully, if I do them later at a time, when my attention and desire is there.

Yes, I will get to the business stuff.  I will.  I always do.  So why do I put myself through this icky “should do it now” stuff?

So this week I am going to take a dose of my own medicine and do what I am feeling I truly WANT to do in those precious times when Zia is asleep.  It will all get done.  And I will focus on how I WANT to feel (favorite tip from Danielle LaPorte).

I want to feel at ease, productive, and lit up!

I know that when I put my full self into each project it is much more valuable and so it is okay if for some morning naps I choose to not do the business stuff.  I will revisit that when she takes her second nap and after her bedtime.  And, the world won’t end if I do nothing business related today.

What if I actually gave myself a day of not worrying about it, would it possible I could wake up tomorrow refreshed and excited, with new ideas and a new attitude?

YES! It is so possible!

I am putting an end to the struggle!  It doesn’t have to be one.  This is the life and dream that I created.  I am managing it and everyday will look differently.   I can not measure my success by the amount of orders that come in today or in the amount of business work I get done today.

What is success anyways?  We decide for ourselves. {Tweet it!}

The fact that I can feed my daughter healthy meals today, give her my full attention and have the health and energy to chase after her is success alone.  And also, this entire week can be considered a success, because I blogged, ha!

What are you struggling with? Are you ready to be done with the struggle?  Join me in transforming it!

Step 1  — Fuck the Shoulds!

This doesn’t mean putting off all of your responsibilities indefinitely…Check out this oldie but goodie video explaining why I despise the word “should”.

Step 2 — Choose and remember 2-3 words of how you want to feel.

Step 3 — Enjoy your life and be grateful for it all!!!!

Life is hard enough, without the pressure, shoulds, and guilt we pile on ourselves.

Give up the Struggle - www.yourjoyologist.com

Give up the struggle and give yourself the opportunity to actually enjoy the life you created for yourself! {Tweet it!}

 

 

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